Chapter 1: I Really Am A Good Person

“I am a good person.”

Even though everyone knows that I am a good person and a law-abiding citizen, why does the public security officer in front of me still harass me to no end.

“As a law-abiding resident of Liu Huang Mountain City, I pay my taxes on time and work diligently. In my workplace, I am a hardworking employee. In this vicinity, I am a good neighbor and a good friend. I’m even an avid pet lover! Look at this medal, my Ah Bao is the champion of the Community Pet Superstar competition!”

The medal and ribbon hanging on the wall serves as the evidence of my past glory. Carved on the medal are the words, “The 7th Annual Liu Huang Mountain City Community Pet Superstar Competition Champion”, “Blessing our lively and cute Ah Bao to stay forever healthy” .

At the same time, Ah Bao, who I am very proud of, is enjoying his meal by the foot of the wall.

However, no matter how much I try to explain, the Dark Elf Public Security Officer simply stares at me silently, as though as she had already decided that I was lying.

“Pet? Ah Bao? You mean that fearsome monster! He’s one of the reasons why we are receiving complaints about you! The Lop family has complained about your pet attacking their son!”

Under the medal, my Ah Bao is licking a bone fervently with saliva dripping from his mouth. Noticing his owner looking at him, he smiles at me. Such a cute pet!

“Lop family? Who is that? I really don’t have any memory of them.”

Just as I was hesitating whether I should use Reconnaissance Spell to refresh my worsening memory, the Dark Elf Public Security Officer, seeming to notice my memory slip, flashes a cold smile.

“… Don’t you think your words lack reliability? After all, his son’s tibia bone is still in the mouth of the monster you are rearing.”

“Oh? Ah! So you are talking about the neighboring Skull Soldier family. Their family seems to be fond of playing with Ah Bao. Such kind people they are.”

Flitting towards Ah Bao, I try to wrestle the tibia bone out of his mouth but to no avail.

Frustrated, I raise my fist and knock on the head of this silly dog.

“Let go, let go, you idiot. If you don’t want to be locked in the pound then let go!”

Such an obedient dog! Looking at how obstinate I am over this, the cute Ah Bao whimpers and gives up his treasure with a pitiful look.

“Don’t worry, Ah Bao. After I get this bitch off my tail, I’ll make the entire Lop family plays with you for an entire year.” I promise him with a hushed voice.

It would be hard to refute her with this tibia bone here serving as a proof to the crime. I tried to squeeze out a smile to fawn on the public security officer.

“A misunderstanding, it’s all just a misunderstanding. Ah Bao is just too passionate. He has always liked to make new friends and whenever it’s time to leave, he would always be ever so reluctant. To receive a memento of remembrance from a friend, isn’t that something normal?”

I tried to pass over the tibia bone, but the Public Security Officer abruptly takes a step back.

“Stay away, maintain a safe distance from me. Who knows what kind of nefarious curses you may be preparing down there. My comrades are still out there. If I don’t return, you would be facing the wrath of the entire Town Order Security Army(simplified as Town Security).”

Even though I have put myself in such a lowly position, this lass is still unwilling to spare me some face. My good intention of handing over the tibia bone was met with a look of disgust and she even retreated two steps away from me and assumes a false bravado that spells of wariness against me.

“I am a Public Security Officer who represents the city. Do you know the consequences of attacking a Public Security Officer?”

“Just a misunderstanding, a misunderstanding. I really am a good person.” I silently sigh to myself and lament how sensitive and alert Dark Elves are to magic. Having no other choice, I quietly dispel the Hypnotism Spell and Venom Snake Curse I had placed on the tibia bone.

“I don’t care whether you are a good person or not. Following Liu Huang Mountain City’s Public Security Rules and Regulations, you are to pay a fine of 50 gold coins and deliver an upfront apology within three days.”

That bitch. After leaving behind these harsh words, she snatches away the tibia bone, turns her head and leaves.

“You better remember it well if you don’t want me knocking on your door again. The next time, the entire troop of Town Security will appear at your door!”

Closing my door, my face immediately sours.

“That bitch, you better be careful not to get smashed by a wooden bat and sold to a slave market. In this underground world, Dark Elves have always been a best seller, a valuable trading product.”

I cursed her venomously in my mind. After all, if my words happens to be heard and the bitch really gets sold away, won’t I become the primary suspect? I’m not so foolish as to dig my own grave.

“Big Sister, you’re really amazing to be able to stand up against such a scary monster. I can’t calm my nerves in his presence.”

“Well, Armin, these fellows are actually all the same. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside. As a dignified member of the Town Security, you must know…”

From not too far away, the conversation of the two Dark Elves can be heard.

“Tsk, to belittle me. If I hadn’t decided to turn over a new leaf to be a good person, you would have been sold to a brothel by now.”

The cute Ah Bao, seeing how depressed his owner is, comes over and licks my face with his large tongue filled with poison thorns.

“Take it easy, take it easy. Ah Bao, remember that you are a dignified Chromaggus and not a dumb family dog who salivates all over the place. Let’s go and apologize to the Lop family and eat our dinner while we are at it. Yup, eat ‘dinner’.”

The two heads of this dumb dog starts salivating simultaneously upon hearing that there is something to eat tonight. He pounces on me and licks me with enthusiasm.

No doubt, dogs are human’s best friend. This is even more true for a Two-headed Hellhound, just that his foods are on the slightly pricey side. Bones filled with magic is said to be the best food for him. With the passionate support of the Lop family, I could probably save around a month’s worth of food.

Oh right, I forgot to introduce myself. I, Roland Mist, age 376, am a good man. Or rather, to be more exact, a good Lich.

————–
If one were to ask the people of this world what their views on Liches are, there probably won’t be many positive comments.

“A heinous villain.” “The ultimate existences of the Undead and Dark Magic.” “The nightmare of the living, the king of the Undead.”

Although I take these to be the envy of the mediocre and the slander of hypocrites, undeniably, these discriminations do bring me quite a bit of trouble at times.

At least, in Liu Huang Mountain City where internal fighting is banned, I have to deal with several “Evil-slaying Hero Party” or “Evil Lair-soloing Adventurers” every month.

Most of the time, they are incapable of even breaking the barrier of my house. But, at times, I still welcome them in, such as when I lack experimental materials like now…

“…I must… kill you… don’t touch there! Damn this tentacle demon! …Not here too!! I’m sensitive there. Ha… ha… ha… no… I’m begging you, kill me please, kill me please!! Kill me if you have the guts to!”

Just last week, the Demi-Elf adventurer who is now suffering badly in front of me was still threatening boastfully about bringing divine retribution upon this heinous villain. Now, she can only lie motionless on the dirty cell.

“Let me go, at least… kill me… don’t!!” For many times, after getting sent to the tip of the hype, an intense shout follows after and she, after reaching a certain state, tightens her entire body before falling back to the ground weakly.

Those eyes which had been filled with hatred, despite losing their focus, continues to stare lifelessly at me. After half a day, her eyes fill up with hatred again.

“Aiyo, don’t look at me like that, over excitement is bad for the body.”

“Bastard!! Bastard!! Bastard!!”

“… Do Elves have limited vocabulary in abusive language, or did your language teacher die too early? You know, using the same word over and over again won’t excite me.”

“You rogue…” The numerous days of torture in this cell has eroded the will of the female adventurer, but her pride as a High Elf still remains. Even after exceeding the limits of her stamina, the golden-haired girl continues to mumble her curses towards me.

“Okay, you have rested enough. Let the next round begin!”

“Snap!” Following the snap of my fingers, countless black tentacles start moving again. These demons summoned from the pink book can no longer resist the allure from being in close proximity to a female.

“No!!! …I am begging you, let me go!!”

But, it is a pity that there is no reason for my summoned demons to listen to the pleadings of a prisoner.

“I can’t stand tickling!!”

Yes, it’s just tickling. I am a good man you know. I wouldn’t do anything that’s illegal.

“It’s not up to you. Tentacles, give a heavy sentence to her waist and her neck! They’re her weak points!”

“Ha… Hee hee… Kill me, you bastard!! …Ha ha”

As expected from a punishment that female adventurers are terrified of. Under the assault of numerous tentacles, she quickly ends up rolling on the floor, laughing.

“Bah! Serves you right. You barged into my house without permission, this is obviously a criminal act. If I don’t settle this score, everyone would just take me as an easy target!”

Of course, I won’t do anything that doesn’t bring any benefit to me. Wasting my mana just to punish her, how could that be possible?

“I’m begging you, I admit my loss. I give up… I will accede to any requests of yours!!”

“No need, seeing you in agony is your best way to contribute to me.”

Looking at the numbers on the screen increase gradually, I can’t help but sigh.

“Sigh, it has already been 3 days but I have only gained 2 Evil Points. How long will it take for me to reach 100,000 Evil Points to revive with a body.”

Thinking about the blissful sex life that many look forward to, I looked downwards only to see my own body to consist only of bones. Very quickly, my sight turns towards the unfortunate ones in the cell room.

“Punishing evildoers is also a kind act. For my points… No, for justice, for my blissful sex life… No, to become a good person, your agony is required for my happiness, so just give up!”

In each cage are prisoners of varying races, such as Taurens, Elves and the most populous of all, Humans.

“Let me go!!” “I am innocent!” “Don’t come here!!” Cries of agony and pleadings to be spared could be heard but the Lich simply ignores them all. In fact, those who were harsher with their mouth were whipped silent by the Skeleton Soldiers keeping guard.

“Ruhr, Human, rapist, guilty on 6 accounts and has been arrested 3 times. However, due to a good brother of his, the leader of a gang in the harbor area, intimidating the victims, none were willing to report him. In the end, the High Court of Liu Huang City was forced to release him due to insufficient evidence.”

Just that at this moment, the young master of the gang is the one who is shouting miserably.

“Since you are so fond of mating, I shall allow you to mate to your heart’s content.”

Thus, I found a couple of 3-meter tall Ogres to play with him everyday… However, they’re all male and that something is thicker than the leg of humans…

Alright, since his current state in his cage is too appalling that even I feel disgusted even just by talking about it, let’s talk about his neighbor instead.

“Dia Gold, Gnome, professional swindler. Although he has dozens of cases filed against him simultaneously, his way of handling things is so superb that his victims often lack decisive evidence against him. Also, this lad is willing to spend the money to hire the best lawyers in Liu Huang Mountain City. Thus, to date, he still manages to escapes the reaches of the justice.

At this moment, this gambler is red-eyed in his duel.

“I… I won!! Your money is mine now, you have to abide by your promises to let me go!! I have 4 Kings!!”

The Undead card player opposite to him laughs and flashes his cards. 4 Aces, a hand just slightly better than Dia’s.

“No, no, no, impossible! You’ve already won 767 matches consecutively! You cheater!!”

“A cheating method that has yet to be caught is a legal mean, isn’t that what you often said? Alright, how about you tell me where you have hidden your fortune and secrets instead!”

“I… I will redeem myself the next match!!”

The Undead card player is, of course, cheating. This is a special deck of cards that I infused magic in. The Undead player is able to manipulate the cards directly, making it impossible for Dia to win.

If it was any other normal person, they would have long given up after losing a few hundred rounds. However, Dia, whose eyes went red from gambling, being just a step away from his freedom and his fortune, how could he give up at this point?

The Undead card player didn’t have to scheme anything to lure Dia into playing his game, he only has to flash his cards around to attract the idle Dia, who is greedy down to his bones, to join in on his own accord.

“If… If I were to win just one match, I would be able to recoup everything.”

Thus, just like the victims he had swindled before, his greed pulls him into the abyss, making him lose his life savings just like that.

Truthfully, I have no interest in his swindling tactics or his secrets. But, every time he loses a match, the anger and unwillingness from the depths of his heart brings me more Evil Points. In comparison, his neighbor, who is already numb at this point, is giving me fewer and fewer Evil Points.

This is hell, a hell that belongs solely to me. This is a prison housing those who have conducted heinous crimes but for numerous reasons, the Judges of Liu Huang Mountain City are unable to pass judgement upon.

My unreliable System is able to extract power from other people’s pain or misfortune and as a good person, I can only choose the route of punishing evil to encourage kindness.

Thus, making use of certain connections, I got these bastards here as fodder for my ‘Evil Lich System’.

The ‘Solo Hell Raider’ adventurer could be said to have the best treatment here already. Anyway, she only broke a few flower pots and destroyed a few Skeleton Gardeners. After playing with her for a few more days, I will set her free.

As for the others, they are all villains who warrant the death penalty. Thus, I will make them suffer as much as what they did to others.

For example, making a rapist feel what it is like to be raped, letting a swindler enjoy the sensation of being duped of his life savings, making robbers and burglars feel how it is like to have something stolen from them and tje profiteers who purposely stockpile to create a famine know how it feels to sleep on a mountain of gold yet be unable to buy a single slice of bread.

“Lunatic!! You lunatic!”

“Please, let me go!”

Doing things that hurts others but does not benefit myself doesn’t have much meaning to me. Their pain, through my nameless System, turns into my power and lays the groundstone for my resurrection.

“I’m not crazy, you’re the crazy one!”

“You crazy Lich! I am begging you, let me go. I’m willing to do anything!”

Crazy Lich? There are quite a few people who have said that I have gone mad, but the first to say it is that person.

I stroke my chin with my forefinger as I try to recall.

“Exactly when did I start to go mad? Was it during my previous life when I insisted on being a fair and righteous judge, yet ended up being stripped of my position and exiled out of the industry, not even being able to serve as a lawyer?”

“Was it when I reincarnated into this world with this weird System, thinking that I was the protagonist of this world and promised to bring prosperity to my family and my people, only to find that the cruel fate planned for me couldn’t be changed, and I lost my country, my family and my kin?”

“Or was it when I swore revenge on the gods and the hypocrites, bringing about an incomplete body and forming a great legion of Undead. But on the route to my vengeance, I realized that my back is filled with mountains of corpses and rubble, and that I was no different from those hypocrites and ambitious people, putting on a righteous front yet bringing about disaster and tragedy?”

“Hee hee, or maybe from the start, the me who has memories from two lives, after realising the truth of this world, have already gone mad.”


Liu Huang Mountain City -> Means Sulfur Mountain City
Chromaggus -> Hearthstone reference
Blissful Sex Life -> It is a Chinese pun. It has the same pronounciation was happiness

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About StarveCleric

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This entry was posted in The Experimental Diaries of A Crazy Lich. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Chapter 1: I Really Am A Good Person

  1. Gin Wolfstein says:

    If this is crazy I want to be like Crazy Lich!
    Thanks for the chapter

    Like

  2. Slikrapids says:

    Thanks for the chapter.

    Like

  3. Angel says:

    that was so amusing and interesting ahahaha 😀 and i can’t wait to read all the chapter IoI

    thx for the chapter ^^

    Like

  4. guradugilgida says:

    Intriguing…

    Like

  5. Yes Lolita No Touch says:

    im kinda bit late cause i didnt know someone will pick this up but Thanks for chapter

    Like

  6. Rye says:

    OMG I just realized that these Lich updates that I have been seeing arnt just wuxiaworld form google translations! Thank you, THANK YOU!!!!!!!

    Like

  7. Reus says:

    Hehe… Nice… Thanks ❤

    Like

  8. DANIS says:

    Thank For The Chapter 😀

    Like

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